I came out at 13 and had a lot on my plate from a pretty young age. Battling society’s negative stereotypes of bi women (hypersexual, greedy, cheating, fetish), years of “proving” my sexuality, expected threesomes, and feeling used as a sexual experiment – for sure, I had my fair share of anxiety.
While white bi women have been historically hypervisibly represented in the media (albeit negatively), lest we forget the glaring invisibility of bi men, trans and non-binary folx, and the varying sexual and mental struggles they face too.
What did shock me when I became a sex researcher was the orgasm gap; the disparity of orgasms experienced between cis sexualities.
“Heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%).”
If bi-women are supposed to be these “sexual” beings that society claims,
why are we so sexually unsatisfied?
We are we on a par with heterosexual women when likely sexual with multiple genders.
Is having sex with cis men the main problem? Or is our bisexuality also clouded with shame and trauma? And do we perhaps lack the ability to demand our own pleasure, always there to perform for another?
As a bisexual cis woman with a fairly high sex drive, these statistics inspired a curiosity (and not the bi-curious kind).
I know for a fact that my sexual health and mental health are intrinsically linked (stress equals low libido, orgasms can combat stress) and I’ve spent the last few years working on aligning the two for my overall wellbeing.
Luckily, in my line of work I’ve had the privilege of discovering incredible sex-positive ventures – from queer friendly dating apps, sexual wellness resources, audio erotica and sex toys – that are designed to do exactly that.
I’ve been able to overcome shame and stigma around my sexuality, sensually heal from trauma and anxiety that has blocked me from experiencing pleasure, and find like-minded friends, partners and communities for support.
So let me take you through the best of the best of what I’ve found.
Queer-friendly & sex-positive resources:
Sonder & Beam is an online community of incredibly diverse sex-positive people. It hosts powerful events that can resonate deeply with you wherever you are on your sexual journey.
Sex School Hub offers explicit and shame-free, inclusive sex education from a queer-positive perspective – making up for the heteronormative sex ed we got in school (if you received any at all).
Lex is a dating app for queer women and non-binary folx that matches people using old fashioned-style “personals” ads. Butterfly is a trans-positive dating app that uses AI to censor and autocorrect offensive language. Feeld is a poly-positive dating app and community for ethical non-monogamy.
Company Lora Di Carlo designs finger-like haptics and suction technology for combined G-spot and clitoral stimulation, and the VDom is an app-controlled strapless strapon that goes from flaccid to erect using smart technology, locally and long distance.
More and more, sex toys are being marketed as gender neutral, finally taking into account queer and genderqueer experiences. Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium is a great resource for finding a toy that suits you.
When it comes to your mental wellbeing, never underestimate the power of therapy and finding a sex-positive therapist that specialises in supporting LGBTQ+ people from sites like Pinktherapy.co.uk.
These are just some of the many incredible ventures out there that are designed to help you prioritise your sexual and mental happiness. Though I am still on my journey, I now feel supported in creating shame-free queer pleasure, on my terms.
Featured image by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
She / Her | London | Freelance Sex Tech Researcher
Oli spent her degrees studying the history of sexuality, queer theory. Since graduating, she has worked with multiple sex tech and sex positive companies with a mission of de-stigmatising sex and queering the conversation.