Here’s all the embarrassing things I’ve done in front of my crush,
(AND HOW YOU CAN AVOID THEM).
For some, the word ‘crush’ brings to mind warm, fuzzy memories of first kisses, summer flings and schoolyard flirtations.
For others, it can’t help but trigger a barrage of cringe-worthy flashbacks they’d hoped would never resurface from the hole in which they were buried.
I fall firmly into this camp.
In an attempt to overcome my inherent awkwardness, and in honour of all you UNICORNs who feel the same, I’m digging deep into my past disgraces and confessing my cringiest crush moments for all to enjoy.
So without further ado, here’s a list of all the embarrassing things I’ve done in front of my crushes (and how you can avoid doing the same).
1. Knocked a tooth out
Lazy Saturday afternoon. Scorcher of a day. Sat in a riverside pub beer garden (where else?)
I’m sipping an ice cold San Miguel, gazing at a suspiciously-suave individual (also utterly soulless, but wasn’t to know that at this point)… aka my crush.
Now, picture what my crush sees: their date, raising a pint glass to her mouth, completely missing her lips and making audible contact with a lateral incisor. Said incisor promptly cracking and dropping straight out of her gums.
No, this isn’t a horror film. It’s my life.
Luckily, due to being born with BOTH my incisors missing (yep, it’s a thing), the tooth was a fake. BUT that didn’t make it any less weird, or give me any greater chance of a second date.
Understandably, my crush never texted me again.
Tooth be told, I don’t blame them.
How to avoid:
Be born with a full set of teeth. Failing this, obtain some fine motor skills.
2. Knocked myself out
It was my first year of uni. The final term was coming to an end, a long summer was on the horizon, and a dizzying, electric heat was clinging to the city.
That is, if you could call the tepid temperatures of Southampton in May ‘heat’ (it was 17 degrees).
As is mandatory for any self-respecting, doe-eyed fresher, I’d spent the past 8 months pining over some sweet-talking peach I shared a seminar with.
Fast forward to the month of debauchery that was the end-of-term parties, and the infamous nightclub Oceana has somehow wound up a designated venue.
So there I am, Oceana dreaming, when I spot my crush – let’s call them Peach. Here’s how the night ensues:
Peach and I lock eyes across the dance floor.
Peach, very generously, buys me drinks all night.
I, very irresponsibly, lose my cool – and my balance – toppling head-first down a slippery disco floor step. (Steps in a disco though? Someone call the police).
I forget to put my hands down. My head cracks open. An ambulance is called. I spend a night in Southampton General. Everyone’s a winner!
Yeah, no, I’m kidding – no one was a winner. Apart from Oceana’s bank account balance. That, unlike my skull, came out in one piece.
How to avoid:
Never compromise on non-slip shoes. Or just bypass every Cheese Room dancefloor, ever.
3. Peed myself (a bit)
Ok, hear me out here. This one’s kind of forgivable once I’ve explained. (Spoiler: it’s not).
My crush and I had been on a few dates and really hit it off – we were back at their house and a fair bit of fondling was going on. Clothes were coming off faster than Bill Clinton could deny inappropriate relations with a white house intern.
There was just one issue: after too many mojitos, my bladder was telling me one thing, but my heart (read: vagina) was telling me another.
Plus, I had no desire to trek through an unfamiliar house in search of a grotty toilet, which, being a student house, would almost certainly lack a lock and potentially loo roll too. Anyone knows that the absence of Andrex is the ultimate mood killer.
Long story short: vagina won and told my bladder to hold tight. And anyway, if a little bit slips out, they won’t notice. Right?
Er, wrong. A little bit did slip out. And yes, my crush did notice. Who’d a thought?
I know, I’m not proud. But the silver lining? They were far too merry from the mojitos to give a heck. They just laughed and slurred they *thought* they’d never made a girl that wet before.
….I mean, what a diamond, right?
Reader, not everyone is that good-natured. Just don’t risk it.
How to avoid:
Go before sex. Every. Single. Time. (But you didn’t need me to tell you that).
4. Broke their mirror
(No wonder the last 7 years have been a write-off!)
This one wasn’t pretty.
One night while sleeping over at my crush’s house, I got up to use the bathroom. It was 3 a.m. and I was super disorientated.
In the pitch black, I searched for the door, but despite my grasping, I just couldn’t find it. Instead, I found my crush’s floor-length mirror… with my foot.
Yep, what I thought was a gentle tiptoe towards the right route was actually a humongous hoof in the opposite direction, sending their free-standing mirror flying and smashing into tiny shards as it hit the floor.
As the glass fragments glistened I remember thinking that – despite the deafening crash that had just woke up the entire household – it was kind of beautiful. Right?
I’ve never heard so many ‘What the fuck?’s at such an early hour, and I have to admit, I low-key enjoyed the drama.
Next morning, the mirror took a trip to the tip. And I took a trip… home. Weirdly, I never got invited for a sleepover at my crush’s house again.
They were too vain anyway.
How to avoid:
ensure your crush’s bedroom decor has appropriate wall fittings in place. If you notice ANY freestanding mirror arrangements, get the hell out. It’s the mother of red flags.
So there you have it: a non-exhaustive list of the cringe-worthy nonsense I’ve pulled off in front of my crushes over the years.
What have I learned? Order pints in plastic cups. Oh, and bring your own loo roll.
Have you had a cringe-worthy crush encounter?
Or maybe you’re chill 24/7 and *they’re* the awkward one?
Let us know at @unicornzine
Written (and experienced) by Emily Kemp