It always surprised me how sex so often got people into trouble. Forbidden romances, drama amongst friends, sending a thousand ships across the sea. Movies and music always depicted sex to be worth it even if regrets soon followed. Just being together for one night made up for all the misery to come of it – apparently.
It would baffle me how sex, attraction, just plain horniness would take over bodies like a parasite and it could never be controlled. Do it first, think later. I could never see the issue in resisting, little did I know there was nothing for me to resist. I’ve never felt attraction to anyone. Never wanted to have sex with anyone, and while the act absolutely fascinates me, the idea of doing it makes me want to shrivel up and disappear.
I am 25 now, and I discovered I was asexual at 25. Of course I had heard the term before and understood it’s meaning but I never related to it until recently – and that was because I always think about sex.
It pops into my head at the most random times, triggered by the most random things. Not a few days ago, I was at work and saw a customer with a wing tattoo on their arm. My mind instantly went to the thought of – “If Eros was real, who would he be screwing right now?” – my mind makes little sense to me at the best of times.
Everything feels normal to you until someone tells you it isn’t
and I thought everyone looked at people the same as I did. Attraction would only come to me if I was glamored by their appearance, as if they were art. Could be their hair, their makeup, clothes, the way they carried themselves. Like living sculptures. I can easily be dazzled at someone’s beauty, a simple glance my way would floor me. However … touching them? Nope nope nope my mind would go to static, like I lost connection to the rest of me.
It used to surprise me how much I think about sex, but honestly, can you blame me? We’re surrounded by it. It’s clear we live in a very sexualised world. It’s everywhere we go. In the media we consume, the music we listen to, the billboards we walk by. It would be strange not to think about it, even as an asexual.
So, how can an asexual find themselves thinking about sex?
It’s like feeling hungry but not wanting to eat.
Standing in the rain but not getting wet.
I can never picture myself having sex, even kissing someone. The image doesn’t exist, even as a fantasy. If ever I tried, my body had no face, just a smudge for an expression. My “partner” in these scenarios would also be blurry, but with a little more shape to it. There were defining features, the colour of their eyes, their height, how they’d move, but it would never last, it would change to something else almost instantly. I could never see people, only shapes and colours.
