Illustrations by Priyanka
We present to you some of the Unicorn Magazine Team’s funniest sexual escapades. Why? Because awkward sex stories are a guaranteed crowd pleaser (well, you’re guaranteed a pity laugh at least). So read on, see if you can guess whose story is whose, and let us know if some of these should have stayed in the drafts…
I once tried cake-sitting with a partner, and learnt the hard way to always take the cake out of the fridge waaaay beforehand. Turns out freezing cold chocolate gateau up your bum-crack is a massive mood killer… But we still had fun drawing choccy emojis and leaving smushy footprints all over the bathroom. Sexy vibes: 1/10. Hilarious fun: 11/10.
- Secret Unicorn #57293
Once when we were having a cuddle after sex, a partner of mine stood up, let out the loudest fart ever, and in the voice of the Cillit Bang advert, shouted ‘Bang! And the sex is gone!’. What a legend. The voice was spot-on, too.
So it’s raining outside, my room is dark and I’m making out with someone in my bed. Things were getting heated, when suddenly I felt something soft on my face. Thinking it was her hair, I brush it off only to feel it again. We turn on the lights, and see a GIANT MOTH in my palm. She screams, I scream and we realise it’s DEAD. 10/10 mood killer
My hair got stuck on a partner’s belly button piercing while I was going down on her and we had to call her roommate to come help us. Probably the most embarrassed I’ve been because I couldn’t even lift my head so I just had to stare at her vagina while the roommate untangled us.
- Unicorn baby
Having gay sex in my room when I still lived with my family had music on shuffle to hide any noise and Bo Burnham’s ‘My whole family thinks I’m gay” started blasting I still laugh when I think about it.
We’re having sex in one of those beach huts and someone knocks the door. I just panic and yell “not yet!”. We couldn’t continue because my partner was busy having a laughing fit.
- Panic! At The Beach Hut
Went on a first date with someone off Tinder, we went back to theirs and they had a massive Doctor Who poster above their bed. So as we’re having sex I’m making direct eye contact with David Tennant. And I was clearly so distracted by this poster that I said his name while I came *facepalms*
- Doctor Who?
I’d wanted to try a threesome so I matched with this one guy on tinder who said he would bring a friend. I show up and….it’s my ex’s brother. Safe to say I did not have a threesome that night.
My cat interrupted my partner and I having sex by throwing up all over the bed beucase she had eaten a beetle.
The first time I ever had sex with someone in a car, we’d parked outside his house. It’s really late at night and we’re sitting in the front seat (big mistake already) and while we’re going at it, my back pushes the horn so loud that his dog starts barking. Then his parents came out and we had to awkwardly explain what had happened lol
One time at uni my partner and I were having sex in the library toilets and some of their friends walk in. For some reason that I will never understand, my partner proceeds to call out to them and have an ENTIRE conversation with them while i’m just stood there naked like…..
Okay, I think that’s enough for one day. Hopefully this inspires you to laugh at yourself the next time you do something silly. Or maybe this has put you off sex for life in which case, we’re sorry.
Compiled by Nithila